Mindlessness

We’re heading south, driving at a comfortable pace and everything seems to be in order. 

It’s late spring in the north of Iceland, the first rays of the summer sun are breaking apart the chains of winter and the snow is slowly releasing its frozen grasp on the countryside. 

We pass by a faded sign that wishes us a safe journey and thanks us for the visit, the latter barely visible through pellet holes from repeated shotgun blasts.

- I’ve got something to tell you, I’d rather you hear it from me than from someone else. 

It’s always difficult for me to tell if mother is talking to me or to herself, she doesn’t really give you much in the way of feedback through body language or eye contact to indicate one or the other.  With her driving it’s even more difficult, minimal eye contact turns to none as her focus is on the road ahead and not on you.

- I’ve been having an affair, it’s someone you know and that has been living with us for the last couple of years but it’s over now. 

Do I need to know this? The someone she’s referring to is two years older than me, I am 16 currently. Flashback memories from the last two years return, odd words and fragments which didn’t make sense at the time suddenly fall into place. 

Words like "Ask Joe if he knows that you never say No to a woman" or "Ask Joe if he knows what women want" and "Tell Joe that you need use shampoo as well as conditioner" 

I refused to be a part of it, go ask him yourself or tell him yourself. He’s right there in the corner bedroom studying. 

I feel trapped inside the confines of the moving vehicle with no way out. I want to scream  something else but all that comes out is a nonchalant "...Ok"

- Your autistic brother was molested by one of his caretakers

"...Ok"

- Your grandfather just passed away 

"...Ok"

- Your sister has terminal cancer and has two years to live at most if she’s lucky 

"...Ok" 

Honesty without kindness is cruelty, there may be no right time or a right place to say things that hurt but there are definitely wrong places and a wrong time to do so. 

Always the wrong place, ever the wrong time, kindness is just a word without real substance to her even if she is a decent person. She knows what it means at an intellectual level, she loves us as a mother and does what she can to keep us alive and fed - she’s just unable to apply that knowledge to mindfulness. 

Being her son I fear I have inherited this trait from her, whether through genes or upbringing it matters little when you hurt the ones you love time and time again and you only realize it after the fact each time when their tears start flowing and you start bleeding on the inside.