Hypervigilance

 I always wondered why I was able to react instantly to danger or unexpected scenarios, while others froze.

It felt odd to me that everyone wasn't like that, that people didn't react immediately when needed.

It was only later that I learned that this was a trauma response; that my mind was protecting me from something bad happening again because of something bad that had already happened in the past.

I just couldn't remember what it was; it wasn't until much later that those parts of my memory unlocked the hidden chambers they'd been hiding in. 

They didn't unlock the doors until I was ready to open them and see what was being kept from me.

Hypervigilance is to always expect the worst possible thing to happen and to always look for signs of trouble before they occur.

It means you never relax fully, your mind is always scanning the horizon, looking for the assassin, the hurricane, or the fire.

It means the time you would spend on loving relationships or enjoying the moment is instead spent on thinking about what could possibly go wrong rather than what could possibly go right.

It means you don't trust anyone or anything until you have confirmed it, and even then, when you do, you always trust with a reservation and the expectation that the trust will be broken eventually.

It means faith is not an option. How can you trust something that you cannot confirm?

I know this is my mind trying to protect me, but it doesn´t make it easier to exist.

I know without it, I would likely have either broken or died at the time, or both.

It is a lonely life to always be on the edge; it makes for a poor partner and an absent father.

All human beings need someone they can trust.

If you don't trust anyone, then you might as well not be human.

I struggled with this for a long time, and even today, I still sometimes do.

The years have, however, taught me that trust is like love.

When you love someone, and they don't love you back, it doesn't mean your love was wasted or that you were wrong in loving them.

Your love can exist even without it ever being returned; you don't need them to love you back for your love to be real.

You can love someone without them ever knowing it, that doesn't mean you never loved them.

When you trust someone, and they break that trust, it doesn't mean that trust was wasted or that you were wrong in trusting them.

It means you chose to be human, while they chose to be untrustworthy.